When I Grow Up tells the story of Juliana Hatfield, through a series of disjointed stories and down to earth language that is easy both to read and to relate to. For those who have forgotten or written her off, Juliana is one of alt. rock’s most critically respected musicians, although that acclaim has never quite translated into wild financial success. The book largely takes place throughout the first Some Girls tour but also includes stories and queries from her “Gold Stars” compilation tour before wrapping up after a self-imposed year of exile from the music industry during which she revaluated life and the reality of her surroundings. It is a companion of sorts to her latest studio album (and possibly final?) How To Walk Away.
This is a hard book to review, harder than most memoirs really because of its raw intimacy. Hatfield respectfully holds back real names when it comes to lovers, but save for that the reality of being a “rockstar” and the failure of never having achieved the level of success others thought she should have is told here, although sometimes you must read between the lines to understand.
At first I hated this book for the same reason I hate Jack Kerouc ’s On the Road. It’s a very self-centered look at reality. Sometimes it’s hard to swallow the manic depressive nature of a lot of the chapters, especially for fans of her music that have never really known much about her. I imagine that Hatfield’s struggles with depression and anorexia nervosa will come as a surprise to some of the fringes of her fanbase. While her music is self-assured and exploratory, this memoir is anything but. In fact, I imagine that being on the road with her during this time could have been quite a pain in the ass. Mood swings dominate the pages of this book and the reader rides the roller coaster along hoping for the “inevitable” happy ending to be rendered.
Make no mistake that there is a lot of negativity built into When I Grow Up. It’s that negativity and that constant nagging disdain for the things around her that makes it so brutally honest though. In that respect, it’s hard to put this book down. I imagine those who have battled depression will see all the red flags as they read, just as Juliana eventually does. This is a must-read for any fan that has an interest in understanding this often enigmatic artist (turns out she’s just shy!) but I’m wondering if this book shouldn’t also be added to all Rockstar 101 courses because Juliana is in a better position than most artists and her position is not one that masses of people will envy after they read this.
Reviewed by Mark Fisher
